Ironclad: Meet the Football Czar

tom smith | make green bay weird | dec. 2016

The term “ironclad” has been bandied about a lot lately. Yes, you guessed it, I am backtracking from my prediction of the Minnesota Vikings winning the NFC. I am now predicting the Seattle Seahawks will win the NFC.

I must mention also that if the Seattle Seahawks represent the NFC, I also must consider that they could beat the New England Patriots. You must admit, the Seahawks will be highly motivated for revenge from the outcome of the Super Bowl two years ago. I also think America would rather see Russell Wilson winning his second Super Bowl championship than Tom Brady winning his fifth. Do we really want to see Tom Brady tie Bart Starr for a record five NFL championships? Do we really want to see Brady period? I didn't think so.

In addition, Bill Belichick would be tying Vince Lombardi with five NFL championships. Don't you hate alleged cheating coaches?

The Packer loss to the Washington NFL franchise has ignited a panic in Titletown. The natives are getting restless and they want the heads of both Head Coach Mike McCarthy and General Manager Ted Thompson stuffed in an aquarium like the Governor in “The Walking Dead.” But I predict with more and more losses this season the disillusionment will increase the fever pitch to the point where they also will want the head of Packers' President Mark Murphy. Yes, there will be chanting in the street, and they will be chanting for a clean sweep. The local sentiment will be overwhelmingly in favor of blowing the whole thing up.

What the Packer organization will need is to have the board elect a Football Czar to oversee a complete restructuring of the Packers' organization, an individual with a fresh perspective on how an NFL franchise is to be run. This individual can't be some hand-me-down executive or coach that has gone through the ranks of the NFL, working for this team or that team. Someone from outside the fraternity of coaches and executives is needed. I guess you'd say a true outsider to the NFL game. I'm not suggesting Scott Hall, Kevin Nash or Bernie Sanders. Those other teams in the NFC North are going to be, let me tell you, folks, troublesome to the Packers. This man or woman needs to have the courage, stamina and conviction to make the Packers great again. So, in the best interests of the Green Bay Packers, I nominate myself for position of Football Czar of the Green Bay Packers.

Now before you all say that I am grossly under qualified for the job, let me give you my football resume that I'm sure will razzle and dazzle you. I also want to remind you there is a new precedent in America to be given very important jobs with no experience and not be qualified.

I have been obsessed with the NFL for four decades. I have been living in GB since I was four. No. 4, Brett Favre, is my favorite quarterback of the modern era. The great, late Johnny Unitas is my all-time favorite. I have been playing fantasy football since 1990. The team I have owned and operated since 1990 is called the Dictators (named after the rock band, not Dictators such as Mussolini or Hitler, I hope I don't lose points for that; I must admit, I do love the phrase the trains will run on time) is 8-3 and is undefeated at home. I have won multiple championships as the leader of the Dictators. I have the NFL Sunday Ticket through DirecTV and have two TVs set up in my living room, so I can watch any football game I chose, but I chose to watch the Bears and Browns every week (yes, two teams that have a combined two victories this year). I must admit, I haven't watched that many Packer games this year. I haven't watched one college football game this year (but let me assure you, I know more about next year's draft class than the Packers' scouts do). I lost interest in college football because too many schools are more concerned about their “student-athletes” performance on the field than how they conduct themselves as members of society. Let's not even get me started on Penn State. I have attended between 13 and 15 NFL games in my life (including pre-season) but none since 2008. I have a poster of Doug Flutie I bought at a Bears' game for 25 cents. Yes, I also want to make this very clear: I am a Chicago Bears fan. I also have a Ph.D. in football fan-ness from a very obscure university you never heard of, so I won't bother you with the name of that institution of higher learning. I also would love to release my transcripts from that school, but they are currently being audited and I will release them after that audit is completed. Have I mentioned that I am a HUGE Chicago Bears fan? I have never played football in high school, college, or professionally. I also will roll up my shelves and put forth an effort you have never seen in turning around a once great football franchise. My only concern in life is seeing the Packers back on top hoisting another Grey Cup.

I still foresee that some of you are not tickled pink with my qualifications to run this once proud team. I also will deny for the last time I have an ongoing romantic relationship with Virginia Halas McCaskey. Those photos of us riding horseback shirtless are obviously photoshopped. This is what I and many other people will say and that is: Just give me a chance. Take a wait-and-see approach. Tom Smith Football Czar may do a really great job. You might as well have a positive outlook. What can really go wrong? The very least you should do is see what I do first before you jump to the conclusion that I'm the wrong man to run the Green Bay Packers.

My first act as the new Football Czar of the Green Bay Packers is bold but truly a move this franchise needs to do. I will trade Aaron Rodgers and the Packers 1st round pick in 2017, 2nd round pick in 2018 and 3rd round pick in 2019 to the Chicago Bears for Jay Cutler.

Can you believe that? I am positive there will jubilation and dancing in the streets because I know the Cheeseheads secretly love Jay Cutler. Why else would Packer fans hate that guy so much and spend so much time sharing silly memes of him smoking if they didn't really, deep down inside, love him and want him as a Packer? This move alone will net me a four-year extension.

My next move will be to hire the late great Al Davis as my strategic advisor. I will communicate with him during games by use of a Ouija board in my luxury box. Not that I will attend all games. I will be moving the Packers' offices to New York. You can't expect me to run the Green Bay Packers based in Green Bay, Wisconsin. I will coax former NFL coach and Hall of Famer Jerry Glanville out of retirement with a $12-million-a-year contract to be the head coach of the Packers. Can't believe he currently isn't coaching in the NFL. His assistant head coach will be NFC Central coaching legend and also Hall of Famer Wayne Fontes. The offensive coordinator will be Mouse Davis. That's right folks, the Packers will be taking the NFL by storm with Jay Cutler running the Run 'n' Shoot. The only thing smoking about Jay will be his stats. The Defensive Coordinator will be Ed “4th and 26” Donatell. The assistant defensive coordinator will be none other than Dom Capers. The defense also will be switching every other week between a 3-4 and 4-3 to keep the offenses of the NFL off guard. The Packers will revert to using only hand signals because I fear our helmet transmissions may have been hacked this season. I also will demand that the Super Bowl be played in Green Bay every other year. I know that GB doesn't have enough hotel accommodations to meet NFL guidelines to host a Super Bowl, but I have a plan for that. I will build enough new hotels in Green Bay to meet the guidelines and the NFL will pay for it, trust me. I have it under good authority that Roger Goodell has some emails that he doesn't want the NFL public to see.

The Packers will also play a home game every year in Mexico City. I know the great fans of the Green Bay Packers have suffered long enough, and starting in 2017, the Pack will be back to being great again.

Live long and punt on first down.


Since 1984, when he first began selling records at Galaxy of Sound inside the Port Plaza Mall, Tom Smith has been part of the Green Bay music scene. Promoting his first show in 1986 and hitting his stride with the Concert Café (1995-2001), Smith continues to promote shows in Green Bay. He first honed his journalistic chops while serving as a student DJ at WGBW, interviewing such icons as Motörhead and the Ramones. Today you can find him championing live music and managing The Exclusive Company in Green Bay.

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