​Repercussions, No Excuses, More Goodbyes

Tom Smith

tom smith | make green bay weird | dec. 2017

Previously on Make Green Bay Weird, I proposed the “Great Green Bay UFO Crash of 1947," my plan to replace Green Bay Packer tourism money if the team or the NFL ever ceased to exist. This plan to retroactively fake a UFO crash in Green Bay was met with a wide range of reactions. Poll numbers show that 46 percent of residents in Green Bay say “Why not? I'll have nothing better to do on Sundays." Forty percent say this is the most ridiculous idea they've ever heard, 10 percent of residents say “This is another one of the many reasons why Green Bay should expel Tom Smith as a resident," and four percent already believe this happened and have many stories to share. Other poll numbers show that 90 percent of residents who are fans of both the “X-Files" and WWE tag-team the Fashion Police think this should be done regardless of the fate of the Green Bay Packers.

Word on the street was that mayor Jim Schmitt suggested I be named an enemy combatant and sent to the Green Bay secret “black site" prison. This prison is rumored to be located in an abandoned sausage casings factory or an abandoned launch pad factory. No truth to the rumor the mayor had this site built to eventually house Guy Zima. The mayor might have hated this plan, but my sources on the street tell me the Green Bay “hidden state" is enamored with this idea and are planning to offer me a huge retainer as a consultant on this project. Chatter also tells me that the hidden state directed the mayor to announce he will not be running for another term due to his opposition to this plan. The other scuttlebutt around camp is that the government is willing to help in this plan and are sending a military official by the name of General Flagg. You may ask why is the government willing to help out the city of Green Bay in this matter? The best I can tell is the rumors that Curly Lambeau was a secret agent for the government during World War II might be true. If these espionage exploits were as great as some people say, this could be our government repaying Green Bay in gratitude for Curly changing the course of WWII. I've actually said too much already; a local author has sworn me to secrecy because of his upcoming book on Lambeau's exploits. I guess the cat's out of the bag, so I'll tell you the name of the book is “Lambeau. Curly Lambeau 001." I can't tell you the name of the author, but I will say I wouldn't be shocked if this book is also adapted into a local theatre production directed by Barb Alloy, with Darby Kern as Curly Lambeau, Lee Kerwin as Winston Churchill, Tom Pederson as Rudolph Hess and Stacie Diamond as Eva Braun. I also think the Let Me Be Frank Productions could do a great musical of the book maybe by crossing it with the movie “Top Secret." Frank Hermans would play the role of Nick Rivers (played by Val Kilmer in the movie).

I also heard through the grapevine the hidden state wants to go with my idea of making us the museum capital of the world. Oddly enough, I head mayor Jim Schmitt was vehemently against this as well, allegedly claiming that “Green Bay residents aren't stupid enough to buy fake shares twice." I'm very glad to hear the hidden state likes the museum idea, but if they are going to put that in place I must point out some glaring errors I made in that proposal last month. I have no excuses for this mistake, but I was severely overdue on my deadline and my editor here at Frankly Green Bay, who also is the commissioner of the fantasy football league my team the Alfred E. Newman Army is in, was threatening to use his powers to fabricate that I traded Deshaun Watson for Tim Tebow. This was a horrific scenario to me because I love Deshaun Watson and think he is magical and Michael Jordan-esque. Even with his injury, I have so much confidence in his future that in another fantasy football league I'm in, my team the Dictators (defending champions in that league) traded Kansas City Chief Kareem Hunt and Pittsburg Steeler rookie wide receiver JuJu Smith-Shuster for Deshaun Watson and New York Jets receiver Jermaine Kearse. I also would be mortified to have Tim Tebow as a member of the Alfred E. Newman Army because even though our team motto is, “What, me worry?" I'm very worried that all the kneeling that Tebow does at football games would cause my team to lose sponsors. I'm just trying to paint a picture of the frame of mind I was in when I made this mistake. Frankly Green Bay should instantly drug test me for not naming Sarah Detweiler, associate professor at the UWGB art department, as the person in charge of all museums relating to art and photography. I mean, come on, Tom, you didn't put the person who set up a Wesley Willis art exhibit in Green Bay in charge the Wesley Willis museum? I was honored to loan the Wesley Willis drawing he did of the Exclusive Company in 1993 to this exhibit. The person who got you a huge cardboard cutout of the New Day for your birthday, you somehow forgot? Shame on me.

In addition, the National Bowling Museum will be run by sisters Jeri Olm and Gina Christenson. I guarantee that with Jeri involved this museum will have lots of cool style and I strongly suspect cuffing of the pants may or may not be mandatory. Jeri's sister Gina brings credibility to the joint from her champion bowling days in Michigan. Parking will include mucho handicap accessible spots up front and plenty o' up front parking for cars manufactured before 1973. I call that a Bill Russell.

Bruiser Queen

“Heavy High"

Certified PR Records

Timebomb Rating 11 out of 13

I have been calling Bruiser Queen the pride of St. Louis for some time and their new album “Heavy High" on Certified PR Records is making me look like a certified genius and a bonafide prognosticator. How am I doing? Thanks for asking; I'm doing great because this album blasts off with the song “Sugar High," which makes me feel like I'm on a sugar high. “Sugar High" is a great song to open this album up with and becomes a “gateway drug/song" to 10 more power pop songs. Yes, I said it, power pop; this band has graduated with high honors from just being called a garage rock band. Bruiser Queen has “poshed" up their sound and style and it is appropriate that this new album was pressed on opaque blue vinyl (500 copies) at the brand new Third Man plant in Detroit! Double-sided insert, full-color center labels, full-color jackets, even shrink wrapped this time! This, folks, is very posh packaging. Songs that stand out to me on this album and scream future top 40 hits are “Telepathic Mind," “Teenage Fire,"(which has a great sneaky surf rock vibe to it) “Have Fun," (which I could see in an alternate timeline Blondie performing on “The Midnight Special") “Here Lies My Heart," (which reminds me of the band Lush, so does this mean Bruiser Queen are “St' Louisgaze"?) and “The Way I Love You" I will label “ferocious posh." Don't let the fact this band has gotten a little more polished worry you; this album is jam-packed with rockers!

I was very saddened to hear of the passing of Fred Cole of Dead Moon, Malcolm Young of AC/DC, Mike Hudson of the Pagans and Ben Reber. I was honored and privileged to book Dead Moon many times at the Concert Café and one time at the Mainstage. Fred is a rock 'n' roll institution that should have been in the RNRHOF many years ago. Malcolm, as the foundation of AC/DC, started me on my lifelong addiction to RNR. AC/DC was the first RNR band I was ever obsessed with (and not the last by far) and they truly were my gateway drug to rock 'n' roll and eventually punk rock. I owe a lot of who I am to Malcolm Young and his comrades from Australia. Mike Hudson was the singer of one of the greatest punk bands ever. The Pagans have inspired many a musician I respect. Ben Reber was the brother of Matt Reber of the New Bomb Turks. I only met Ben once (at my 50th Birthday Show last July) but to see how much love Matt and all of Ben's family and friends had for him makes me appreciate meeting him just once. The love Matt has for his brother is incredibly inspiring and makes me want to be a better family member and a better human being. My condolences to all of Ben's family and friends. Live Long and Cherish those you love while you can.

Since 1984, when he first began selling records at Galaxy of Sound inside the Port Plaza Mall, Tom Smith has been part of the Green Bay music scene. Promoting his first show in 1986 and hitting his stride with the Concert Café (1995-2001), Smith continues to promote shows in Green Bay. He first honed his journalistic chops while serving as a student DJ at WGBW, interviewing such icons as Motörhead and the Ramones. Today you can find him championing live music and managing The Exclusive Company in Green Bay.

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