tom smith | make green bay weird | july 2019
Those of you who are frequent readers of Make Green Bay Weird might recall an article I wrote last October called “McCartneyism Comes to Kroll's North." That article was about my hope that Frankly Green Bay would be able to arrange a face-to-face interview with Sir Paul McCartney. The article also discussed where I hoped to conduct the interview and what questions I would ask the former Wings member. I tempered my expectations because we are dealing with one of the biggest figures ever in pop music history and I also was concerned that his people may actually have read my article from last October.
Turns out my biggest fear came true: Paul McCartney's people immediately objected to my suggested locations for the interview. They briefly considered my suggestion of doing it at Kroll's North until they discovered it doesn't exist. Then in a strange course of events, Paul McCartney asked if the interview could be conducted at my home, but on one condition: that I make him my Timebomb Tom's Hot Chicken. When I asked how Paul McCartney knew of the existence of my hot chicken they responded that Paul had heard Mudhoney raving about it.
I instantly responded, “No problem."
Then my article from last October came back to haunt me again. In that article I brought up the theory that Paul died in 1966 and had been replaced by a variety of substitutes. The one suggestion that they really seemed to zero in on was that he could be a clone. Then I became aware that Paul McCartney's people had seen the episode of Sacha Baron Cohen's “Who Is America?" that had Roy Moore on it. If you haven't seen this episode, Sacha freaked Roy out with the use of an Israeli pedophile detector.
You guessed it, Paul's people absolutely forbade me from using an Israeli Clone detector during the interview. I begrudgingly accepted the terms, and the time Paul (or his clone) was going to arrive at my house was determined. Paul really liked my hot chicken and was fearless with his sauce selection (The Bomb) and the amount he used. The fact that he ate my hot chicken drowning in that sauce without any noticeable side effects pretty much right there convinced me this would be an interview with a clone.
My conversation with Sir Clone Paul follows.
When will the box set of isolated Linda McCartney background vocal tracks be released?
Sir Clone Paul: Funny that you ask that, I just approved that for release next Record Store Day on a box set of 10-inch records to be released by Third Man Records.
How do you deal with the constant sentiment being expressed that the Beatles peaked with Pete Best?
SCP: Dude all of us very early in our Beatles career realized it has been all downhill since Hamburg, West Germany.
Why did Wings never tour with the Ramones?
SCP: That never happened because we preferred not to be blown away every fraking night by America's greatest rock band ever.
Are you really dead, and if so, were you replaced by either an android, a clone, an alien, a ghost, a ghost-alien, a ghost-clone, somebody who has had plastic surgery like at the beginning of the James Bond classic 'Thunderball,' or are you the 14th Cylon model?
SCP: (After a long very awkward silence Paul turned away, looked out my living room window and said in a whisper) So say we all. Next question, please.
Any chance the walrus really was Mike Holmgren?
SCP: (Laughing) No it was really Ray Rhodes and the Packers sure the hell didn't give him much of a chance.
Any regrets on turning down that $3,000 Lorne Michaels offered the Beatles to reunite on Saturday Night Live?
SCP: I have much regret about that. I'm a billionaire and us billionaires can always use a few more dollars.
Any truth to the rumor the Beatles were incredibly close to firing John Lennon and replacing him with Michael Nesmith?
SCP: Much closer than anyone realizes. Brian Epstein barely talked us out of doing that. In hindsight we were fools for not doing that.
Any recording sessions with Cardi B planned?
SCP: Yes, together we are spearheading a new version of 'We are the World.' Proceeds will go to help Syrian war refugees.
When do you plan on having Rick Rubin produce a comeback album?
SCP: That almost happened, but Rick insisted I cover some Danzig, Slayer and The Cult and I just don't want to do that.
Will the Beatles ever play Coachella?
SCP: Only if the Smiths open for us, so I can storm the stage during 'Sheila Take a Bow' and punch Morrissey.
Since you own the rights to the song 'On Wisconsin' do you ever think of Wisconsin?
SCP: I only think of Wisconsin when I'm playing there for ridiculous ticket prices and when I watch Laverne & Shirley. (Clone Paul also mentioned he thinks it was a huge mistake moving them to California in season 6.)
Why isn't the Beatles' catalogue currently available in pre-recorded cassette?
SCP: The alleged cassette revival is a joke, but the WWE's Revival is the real deal!
Were the Beatles ever accused of racism over that 'White Album' thing?
SCP: That album title was all on John. John did that as a distraction in case history ever stopped whitewashing the fact he beat his first wife.
Explain to me how your theme from the movie 'Spies Like Us' has never appeared on an album, only on 45?
SCP: I had no idea and I'll make sure it's on my next Greatest Hits album.
Why wasn't 'So Bad' from 'Pipes of Peace' a chart topper?
SCP: American radio is run by idiots.
Have you considered jump-starting your career by doing another James Bond theme?
SCP: Only if they cast a female James Bond.
Who was the coolest Beatle, dead or alive?
SCP: George Harrison hands down.
Do you ever thank Yoko Ono for breaking up the Beatles?
SCP: Every Christmas.
Did you see any parallels between the whole 'the Beatles are bigger than Jesus' backlash and the cd burning and persecution of the Dixie Chicks?
SCP: I did and American Country Radio proved they were idiots for blacklisting them.
Be honest with me, Paul, was your cameo in the Tracy Ullman video for 'They Don't Know' probably the coolest thing you did?
SCP: (Visibly upset by this question, Clone Paul screams at me) No wise guy, it was the second coolest thing I did. 'Jet' was the coolest.
Clone Paul then announced the interview was over and quickly left my house.
Live long and can you believe Paul didn't play “Jet" at Lambeau Field?